Patience Is Worth Millions

Dear Rav Levy,

Shalom u’vrachah!

I would like to consult the Rav regarding my seven-year-old son. We feel that he is not emotionally or socially mature enough for his peer group, and we are debating whether it would be advisable to hold him back a year. Our hesitation stems both from the concern over him “losing” a year of learning, and the discomfort and shame he might experience as a result.

We would be immensely grateful for the Rav’s guidance. Yasher koach!

Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy, shlit”a, replies: Whenever such a question arises regarding young children—even in instances where the gap between the child and his classmates is not drastic—my guiding principle is that it is always better for a child to be among the older and more mature in his class than the youngest and smallest.

There is a well-known statement attributed to the Chazon Ish, zt”l, explaining that the teaching of Rabbi Masya ben Charash in Pirkei Avos, “Hevei zanav la’arayos v’al tehi rosh l’shualim”—Be a tail to lions rather than a head to foxes—does not apply to children or adolescents. Similarly, Hagaon Harav Aharon Leib Shteinman, zt”l, once commented in regard to a related dilemma that a child who is somewhat bored for a year because he is repeating a grade and relearning material that he learned last year is far less problematic than the risk of him dropping out or disconnecting from learning later on in yeshivah.

From my experience, and also from directives by Gedolei Yisrael, it seems clear that"losing" a year on the calendar is far preferable to years of prolonged suffering, feelings of inadequacy, and emotional hurdles down the road. During these impressionable years, a child shapes his self-image. If he continuously views himself as struggling and marginal, barely scraping by as mediocre, his motivation and self-worth will plummet. Conversely, when a child is slightly older and emotionally developed, he feels capable, successful, and confident—and that positive inner drive propels him to advance and soar in his learning and development.

I completely share your concern about staying attuned and sensitive to your son’s feelings, so he is not ashamed. The key to success in this arena is how it is framed and presented to him. Make sure that you don’t present it abruptly as an indisputable fact, or simply declare that he is being held back.  Communicate the point with warmth, sensitivity, and compassion, helping him understand that this decision is being made entirely for his benefit, to empower him and give him strength for the future.

In situations like this, it is often advisable to consider transferring your son to a different cheider. This will grant him a fresh, clean slate and spare him the daily discomfort of crossing paths with former classmates, eliminating any lingering sense of inferiority.

Wishing you much hatzlachah and nachas!