I don't want to move into the shver's house...

Question: I want to begin by expressing thanks for the insightful answers and practical ideas that you share every month in this column.  Yasher koach!

Simultaneously, I want to ask the Rav for an eitzah.  Since the start of the war with Iran and in the wake of the frequent rocket and missile attacks, my wife is worried and anxious. Since we do not have a protected space in our house, she wants to move into her parents' house which has a proper safe room. Naturally, I'm much less inclined to do so. What should I do? Is there an obligation to remain in close proximity to a safe room? And if not, what should I tell my wife to allay her fears? Many thanks!

Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies: I'll begin by stating that there is no obligation or directive—even by the authorities responsible for homeland security—to relocate to a place with a safe room. The security directive is simply to make every effort to find the safest, most protected space nearby when an alert sounds. Beyond that, we’ve all seen repeated miracles, and we’re all privileged to feel the siyata dishamya accompanying us at every hour. Therefore, we can still safely assert that there is no reason to panic. "Haboteach baHashem chessed yesovivenu. One who trusts in God, kindness will surround him!

On the other hand, this point may not necessarily resonate with a person—in this case, your wife—who is suffering very real, intense and understandable fear. When a person is frightened, there's no purpose in citing statistics or arguing about the actual risk level. Doing so is usually counterproductive, and it’s unlikely to do anything to calm her down.

So what can you do? How can you best navigate your wife's concerns in the best way?

I suggest you begin by communicating with one another with mutual respect, and really listening to each other. Invite your wife to share and describe her feelings, and make sure to accept her fears without judging or arguing with them. Instead, explain what about moving into her parents’ house is difficult for you on a personal level.  Discuss how it impacts your privacy, discuss the crowding and general discomfort. Be prepared that as a daughter (and not a son-in-law) she may not identify fully with your feelings. To her, this is about danger that requires sacrifice, and as a daughter, she may also view it as less of a sacrifice in general.

You can also try explaining that giving into fear is never good, and that hysteria also tends to escalate when several frightened people gather together.

What if she isn’t convinced?

If you can’t persuade her, your number one reaction must be to stay calm and empathetic. Your emotions are in your control.  (Also, if you’re honest enough with yourself, you’ll admit that some of your arguments against excessive fear and moving into her parents' house can also be turned around to apply to your fear of moving in there!)

When there is something really important at stake, it’s possible to cope with less pleasant feelings. As the well-known saying goes, "A person can endure any 'how' as long as he has a 'why'". Remind yourself that you’re staying at your in-laws’ house—with all the difficulty and discomfort entailed—for your wife's emotional well-being and for the sake of your own shalom bayis.

Even if you find her hysteria excessive or difficult, don't let yourself get swept up in it. Your calm will benefit you, her and, everyone else in the family, and you’ll see that people will gradually be influenced by your tranquility.

We learn a great deal about achieving menuchas hanefesh from the imperative commandment on Shabbos to feel "as if all your work is done." This means that a person can actually control his emotions to achieve calm. Moreover, part of the menuchah that we feel on Shabbos stems from the fact that there really is nothing to be done at that moment when all melachah is prohibited. Remind ourselves that it’s not in our power to change a situation is calming in and of itself.

As an aside, but no less important, I’ll mention that we’re much better off limiting our consumption of news reports. The obsession with following every news update provokes unnecessary tension and fears. [Don't worry, if there’s something that you really need to know, you’ll hear about it.  Most of what's “in the news" is repetitive and superfluous, (and some of it is also imprecise or downright false!) The bottom line is that you won't miss anything crucial.]

Last but not least, I highly recommend redirecting panic and the obsession with news to engaging in truly beneficial activities such as tefillah and limud Torah. Deal with important issues as they arise, and don’t postpone them until after the war. Action and accomplishment always bring about a sense of calm.

May Hashem help us all, and may we witness the fulfillment of the passuk, “Vechititu charvoseihem l’itim v’chanitoseihem l’mazmeiros, lo yisa goy el goy cherev, lo yilmidu od milchamah. They shall beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks; a nation shall not lift up its sword against a nation, and shall they no longer learn war."