Should I separate my twins in school?

Question: We are parents of twin boys who are, b’ezras Hashem, going into first grade next year, and we are strongly debating if we should place them together in the same class or separate them. While they are very close, we sometimes do notice a latent competition and sometimes even unhealthy dependency between them.

If the right thing to do is to separate them, we actually have an option to send them to two different schools (one close to home, and one farther away).  Is this something to consider, and if so, how do we choose which child is better suited for which mosad?

In appreciation, Parents of Twins

Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies: I’ll preempt my reply by saying that there is no definitive or clear-cut answer to this question. Every case is individual. Since I am not acquainted with you or your children, I cannot offer an absolute directive, however, I would like to share a little food for thought that will hopefully guide you to make the best decision for your family.

Twins serve as a vital source of emotional support for one another. The transition into first grade is an important one, and it can be daunting for any young child, which is why it is reasonable to assume that remaining together will arm both twins with a sense of security. On the other hand, being in each others’ constant company throughout the entire day, in school and out, may potentially hinder the development of one twin’s or both twins’ unique identity.

Separating twins allows each child to build his own friendships, without his brother’s shadow hovering over him. Furthermore, when twins are in the same class, teachers, parents, friends and the brothers themselves are often prone to compare their marks, behavior and skills, which is a recipe for envy and resentment, especially if one child is brighter, more talented, more popular, etc. than the other.

In general, especially when one twin is more dominant than the other (which often does occur), separation can prove to be a great chessed. It allows the more reserved child to stand on his own feet, build self-confidence, and discover strengths that may have been stifled while he was in his brother’s shadow.

On the other hand, if their bond is healthy and they are relatively equal in temperament and skills, starting out together may actually smooth their transition into a new framework.

It’s important to note that if you do choose to keep them together, you must be exceptionally vigilant about kinah—jealousy. Make a conscious effort to highlight and commend the unique ma’alos and individual strengths of each child.

Another thing to bear in mind is that the decision is not irreversible. Even if they start out together now, you can always choose to separate them in an older class.

Regarding your second question about sending one child to a school farther way, the answer lies in observing which child acclimates more easily to a new social environment. Although they’re still young, you may already discern which is the better academic and emotional fit for which school. For example, a smaller, more intimate school is often a better choice for a quiet, sensitive child, while a mosad with a more rigorous, analytical style of limud would be appropriate for a child who possesses those specific kochos.

Like everything related to chinuch, this is an important decision that must be made with sensitivity, understanding and after discussing what will be best for them as individuals—and of course, with heartfelt tefillos for siyata d’Shmaya!