My kids refuse to clean up the toys!

Dear Rav Levy shlit”a,

Shalom u’vracha. Baruch Hashem, I am a parent of two adorable children, ages five and three. Like most kids their age, they have their moments of difficult behavior—whether it’s refusing to listen when asked, pick up toys, or get ready for bed, or even the occasional flash of chutzpah.

As parents, we make a conscious effort to stay calm and respond patiently, hoping that a gentle demeanor and positive relationship will inspire them to be more respectful and cooperative. The problem is, it doesn't always seem to work.

Our question is as follows: Is our assumption that the more patience we model, the more it will encourage positive behavior in our children correct? And if so, why are we not seeing the results we anticipated?

Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a replies: First and foremost, it is important to remember that at such a young age, children are not yet obligated in mitzvos, and have barely reached the stage of formal chinuch. In a practical, halachic sense, they are still exempt from these obligations, so certainly, patience is a virtue at this stage.

Does this mean that a child’s early years are without educational significance? On the contrary. This is a highly critical stage, a time when the very foundations of a child’s personality and character are being shaped and molded. A certain ba’al teshuvah—who is a tremendous tzaddik and talmid chacham—once shared that he still feels a certain void because his earliest impressions and values in life were shaped by his secular upbringing. The Gemara in Sukkah (42a) also underscores this by instructing that as soon as a child begins to speak, his father should begin teaching him Krias Shema and the passuk, “Torah tzivah lanu Moshe morashah kehillas Yaakov.”

Our mission during these tender years of our children’s lives is to infuse their neshamos with the spirit of Torah and emunah.  How can we do this? By performing mitzvos with excitement and fervor, by praising every good deed, and—outside of the heat of the moment—sharing stories of hashgacha, schar and onesh.  We should rejoice on Shabbosos and Yamim Tovim, constantly marvel at the beauty and miracles in nature and the world around us, model and teach middos tovos. The more we give them at this stage in life, the more they will absorb and, eventually, utilize to continue growing on their own.

Most importantly, we must never threaten or sacrifice the deep bond of love that we share with our children for the sake of mussar or shouting, chas veshalom. At this age, children lack the emotional tools to process criticism, and our angry reactions only leaves them feeling unloved.

Returning to your question: Yes, your intuition is certainly correct, and the frustration you feel when your patient reactions "don't work" to achieve the desired outcome is also very natural and has a clear psychological and educational explanation.

Patience is the bedrock of a child’s security. When a child feels safe, loved, and knows that he will not be a victim of his parents’ anger when he makes mistakes, then his internal desire to listen to his parents and connect with them grows.

However—and this is a crucial distinction—patience can never be a substitute for authority. Young children need two things from their parents: They require warmth in order to feel loved, and they need clear boundaries in order to feel safe.

There are several reasons why patience alone may not be translating into better behavior on your children’s part:  First, in our effort to be patient, we may inadvertently project hesitation to our children, which opens the door to chutzpah. Second, a child isn’t born with the ability to control his impulses or honor his parents; it’s a work in progress, so we can’t expect constant obedience from them all the time.

Yet there is a deeper point here, as well.  Children also need boundaries in order to feel safe and secure. When a parent is overly patient to the point of not setting a firm, but gentle boundary, a child may feel adrift, powerless and confused. Often, an outburst or show of chutzpah is actually a child’s way of searching for that elusive “border” that will end his confusion and make him feel protected and safe again.

Practically, I suggest several tools to help you during these more difficult moments with your children:

Instead of making open-ended requests that invite an automatic "no," offer two choices that both work for you. This gives your child a sense of autonomy within your boundaries. Also, remember that children frequently act out when they feel misunderstood. Sometimes, if you can verbalize their struggle for them, their resistance melts away.

Another vital principle is that the more we explain and negotiate during a struggle with our child, the more our authority slips out of reach. Patience isn't about discussion; it’s about standing firmly on our word with calm, quiet confidence.

Finally, children ages 3 and 5 thrive on positive feedback and constant reinforcement. The moment they display even a tiny bit of cooperation—even picking up one toy—shower them with specific praise: "I love how you put that block away; it’s such a big help!" This helps reinforce their inner desire to repeat their positive behavior and continue doing the right thing.

May you be zoche to much nachas from your sweet children!