The Most Rewarding Investment

Dear Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy, shlit"a,

I am a father of a large family, b”H, and I invest great efforts into caring for, providing and learning with my children. However, I live with constant, intense pressure, especially when it comes to the chinuch of my children. Anytime I receive negative feedback from a rebbi in cheider, or when I learn with them and see that they’re struggling, I get stressed.

I devote a significant amount of time to learning with my children, almost on a daily basis, and especially with those who are struggling in cheider. Yet I feel that this investment into their chinuch and future is draining me. It’s taking a toll, and it’s gotten to the point that it’s hard for me to think about anything else. Sometimes I feel that it takes over my life so much that I can’t cope with it. 

I would appreciate the Rav’s advice on this issue. Thank you.

Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy, shlit"a, responds: Dear father, I am deeply moved by your question and honest efforts to help your children. Your words are clearly straight from the heart. I was especially impressed by what was glaringly missing from your question: You have no doubt or reservation regarding the absolute, fundamental importance of your child’s chinuch and learning.  Unfortunately, there are some who feel that the obligation of chinuch and learning with their children culminates with tuitions payments to the cheider or yeshivah.

Let’s return to the fundamental truths taught by the Mesillas Yesharim in his hakdamah: Proper chinuch is an investment for generations, and it is also incomparably rewarding. There is no one wealthier than the one who merits nachas from his children, which is why it’s worth every effort.

It’s important to understand that the path to nachas passes through hishtadlus, effort and toil. Every rebbi and teacher will attest to the manifest difference between a child whose parents are interested and invested in his studies, who celebrate his achievements, and who assist him when he encounters challenges, versus a child whose parents are disconnected. A crucial ingredient for lifelong success is parents who back a child, who help him develop positive aspirations, desires, and confidence in his abilities, and who reinforce the knowledge that he is important.

Schools provide knowledge and skills, but the true foundation of a child’s success is his home. That is where a child absorbs values, self-assurance, and the feeling that he is important and loved.

Baruch Hashem, you’re obviously aware of the fundamental importance of chinuch and aspire to give your children the best possible chinuch. However, you feel that the stress and pressure are affecting you negatively. I concur.

It’s crucial to approach the mitzvah of chinuch with a long-term perspective. For example, if a parent insists on waking his child for Krias Shema at all costs, it’s likely that the child will recite it on time during his younger years. But I can almost guarantee that, years later, when he’s a bachur or adult, he’ll let it slide, chas veshalom.

The goal therefore lies in a healthy balance. Keep abreast of your child’s progress, but remember that the paramount goal is molding a child’s character so he remains intrinsically connected to the path of Torah. Make sure that he feels part it and aspires to continue traversing that sacred path in the future, as well.

While we’re on the topic, I want to stress that a parent who feels excessive pressure cannot impart proper chinuch to his children. Tensions and frustrations can cause severe setbacks and damage the core of chinuch which is the positive connection and relationship between father and son.

Practically, what can you do?

First of all, acknowledge that constant worrying has no benefits—neither in regard to matter you’re concerned about, nor for you. If you’re feeling overtaken by worries, then know that you’ve passed the realm of requisite hishtadlus, and it’s time to make space for emunah and bitachon!

It’s likewise vital to keep focused on the process. Recognize your child's small bits of efforts, not just his achievements, and praise them! This applies to you as well, dear father who is giving and investing so much into his children.

One final point: Every person who is charged with a significant role knows that he needs to have something to calm him and restore his equilibrium immediately. It can be a certain food or snack, a walk in fresh air or a short nap that gives you the break you need. Here, the purpose isn’t just to preserve your strength, but to benefit your child and improve the chinuch that you strive to give him.  I once listened carefully to the emergency instructions delivered on an airplane and noticed that the sequence is to first put on your oxygen mask, and only once you are breathing calmly, tend to others and place masks on your children.

The same holds true in chinuch: A parent must preserve his strength, his inner calm, and his emotional stability. Only when he is breathing correctly and feeling strong is he capable of granting his children the warmth, guidance, and security they need to carry on.

I bentch you that Hashem should grant you hatzlachah and that you should reap boundless Yiddishe nachas, simchah and menuchas hanefesh from all your children!