My son won't watch his weight

Question: I have a son who is almost bar mitzvah and struggles with borderline obesity. His physical appearance negatively impacts his social status, and our pediatrician has strongly advised a diet and exercise regimen for health reasons. Unfortunately, despite all our warnings and encouragement, our son refuses to take responsibility and limit his food consumption, and I am, frankly, concerned about his future. I would be grateful for the Rav's advice on how we can successfully encourage him to lose weight without hurting his feelings.

—A concerned father from Yerushalayim

Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a responds: Dear Father,  Your frustration is palpable as you describe the not-uncommon case of a person who suffers most from a negative situation but is, oddly, unwilling to do what's necessary—and critical—to help himself.

I’ll begin by telling you that this phenomenon is not unique to your son. There are many other equally-mystifying examples. Take, for example, the avreich who is struggling financially and is acutely aware of the physical and financial damage caused by smoking, yet, astonishingly, refuses to lay down his cigarette. There are many, many other unfortunate examples of adults who fail to overcome the test of basic self-control.

The answer to this riddle lies in two primary factors: The first is the force of habit (which includes neurological addiction and the emotional deficit that the habit attempts to fill); and the second is the discouragement caused by repeated failures.

In general, when we seek to effect a change in someone else's life, the unspoken message we often send is "It’s your fault," "You’re weak,” “Or you lack self-control." This message is detrimental and counterproductive, effecting an outcome that’s the exact opposite of our goal. The tacit message that we broadcast causes the emotional void to widen, and the person’s feelings of failure to intensify.  It’s no wonder, then, that instead of the weight loss that we hope to see, our constant warnings and tirades will actually cause him to gain weight!

When discussing a child who is fundamentally good, but simply cannot overcome his cravings, we have to sympathize and understand that the child has, essentially, surrendered to despair. By hurling insults like "You're a bad kid," or "You're acting improperly," and other such "superlatives," parents unwittingly strip away at their child’s tzelem Elokim and cause him to lose faith in himself. Their words cause him to lose faith in himself and lose any satisfaction that he would otherwise feel, which can seriously hamper progress and achievements in life.

A child looks to his environment for support, and above all, yearns to be accepted exactly as he is by those he loves most. Only once he is secure in that foundational acceptance can he derive satisfaction from the physical activities and exercise that you ask of him. If he commences an exercise regimen already steeped in disappointment and negativity, he’ll have no motivation to work hard to perform the exercises, and the whole process will be doomed from the start. On the other hand, if he starts out cheerful, happy, bolstered by the empathy of family and friends, and empowered with the knowledge that they believe in him, he’ll tackle the exercises energetically, with positive feelings.

If we want our child to cut down on food consumption, if we want him to stick to his diet, and if we want him to take responsibility for himself and his body, we must first identify with his struggle. We must genuinely understand the challenge and pain involved, and consistently convey calm, acceptance, understanding and sympathy.

A rule of thumb in parenting is that the key to success with any struggling child is to prove to him that he is not “that kind of kid”. He is not a good-for-nothing; he is not a failure. Every child has a primary need to feel special, loved just like everyone else, and an integral part of the family.

Parents—like children—are not angels. It’s perfectly acceptable to acknowledge that "It’s hard for him/her," "It’s hard for us," or "He/she’s struggling.” These are legitimate statements. Yet under no circumstance should you ever label your child or attach a stigma to him or her. Labeling a child can cause profound, irreversible damage—and this is something that every parent must avoid at any cost.

Wishing you and your family health, hatzlachah and nachas d’kedushah!