"Mommy, everyone else goes on trips, and we never do!"

Dear Rav Levy shlit”a,

As a mother of a large family, ba”h, I feel immense pressure during summer vacation. My kids are constantly expecting, asking—and sometimes even demanding—outings, trips, and fun “like all their friends”." I feel guilty that I can't satisfy their expectations, but they’re truly beyond our means. Yet I also ask myself: As parents, are we obligated to live up to all of our children’s expectations? What can I tell myself so I don’t feel like such a failure and worry that my kids will feel “less than” everyone else?

Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit"a replies: Your question reveals the heartfelt desire of a Yiddishe mamme who wants to give her children the world. It’s clear that your question stems from great love and a deep sense of responsibility to your children, and with Hashem’s help, you’ll succeed and see great nachas from your children.

You've touched on two important aspects of child-raising: The first is a question of chinuch and values, and the second is your personal emotional struggle with your children's disappointments.

Let's start with the first question, which regards chinuch and family values. Obviously, proper chinuch does not require taking your children on a luxury vacation. What is mandatory, however, is to embrace your children in warmth and stability, and to foster an atmosphere of ahavas haTorah and belonging. On the other hand, it’s also important to make an effort to make vacation a special and satisfying experience for your children, for several reasons:

First and foremost, it’s impossible to completely ignore the fact that summertime means vacation time to the world and society outside the four walls of your home. Children who don’t enjoy their vacation inevitably feel disappointed and deprived, and this can easily translate into the feeling that their parents disregard their feelings and their needs. These sentiments are very detrimental to your relationship with your children and can negatively impact your ability to educate them properly. A child's sense of belonging is very sensitive to these kinds of needs and events.

Furthermore, there are many important benefits to breaking from routine and enjoying fun experiences together. Vacation rejuvenates children (and adults!), and increases their motivation as they approach a new school year. While many adults might prefer rest and relaxation over the kind of intensive activity that children crave, it’s important to remember that for their age and stage, this is completely normal.

Summertime offers priceless opportunities to build deeper connections with your children through quality time, meaningful conversations, and yes, shared outings.

On the other hand, it’s important to be clear that parents are the decision-makers in their homes. They are the ones who must make the final decisions, while accounting for their personal values and financial capacity.

There’s no need to be alarmed when your children express envy or are upset.  When kids say, "everyone else goes/does/has," what they really mean is that everyone else's kids are saying that to their own parents too… This is also completely normal, and you don’t have to get flustered every time they complain.

Practically speaking, what can you do when kids want and want, and finances are tight? There are many ways to enjoy yourselves as a family while keeping to a minimal budget. One of the things that kids enjoy most is seeing their parents having fun with them, and rest assured, they definitely don’t enjoy seeing you frustrated or aggravated. Almost all children would prefer less extravagant activities that you can enjoy together over expensive outings that stress you out.

Remember, it's also okay to tell children "no." This is a vital life lesson in setting boundaries and self-control. Sometimes, the ability to say, "We can’t afford to do X, but we’ll happily do Y," is the most profound summertime legacy you can gift to your child.

A child is capable of understanding that money doesn’t grow on trees, and that it’s okay to forgo luxuries. This is actually a fundamental lesson that they will need to learn at some point in their lives.   However, parents should never talk openly about being unable to afford basic necessities like food and clothing, since this can damage a child’s sense of security and stability.

I suggest that you sit down with your kids and create a list of fun ideas and places that you can do and enjoy together. Then, create a daily or weekly schedule for the summer that includes as many options from your list as you can.

For example, you can enjoy nature activities like hiking or picnicking in a park or forest.  You can also suggest games like a scavenger or treasure hunt in one of these places. Try creating wonderful, memorable experiences at home, like contests, board games, creative workshops. You can cook and bake together and put kids in charge of making meals.

Depending on where you live, you can take a walk through touristy areas in the city, and you can always visit grandparents or get together with cousins. I do recommend designating one or two days for special events, but it doesn’t have to be pricey. Going to the beach is a great option, and in Eretz Yisrael, many cities have subsidized events for families that are affordable for almost anyone. The extra effort on your part will be deeply meaningful and memorable to your children, and all of you will end off your summer happy and satisfied, and with lasting memories!

Wishing you a pleasant, meaningful family vacation!