Is My Responsibility to My Extended Family At the Expense of My Immediate Family?

Dear Rav Levy shlit”a,

In the past months, I've found myself involved repeatedly in problems and issues related to my extended family. My father passed away tragically, and my mother is struggling to hold the family together, marry off the younger children, and deal with the mosdos chinuch. As the eldest son and brother, I feel a moral obligation to help my mother and siblings, especially when it comes to health difficulties or chinuch crises. Unfortunately, what’s happening is that by me reaching out to help my mother and siblings—an almanah and yesomim—my immediate family, meaning my wife and kids, feel that that I’m over-involved, and that the involvement comes at their expense, whether in terms of time, energy, or even money. I’m feeling so torn, and I don’t know what to do.  How can I know when it's right to set boundaries, and when the sacrifice is justified?

Hagaon Harav Rabbi David Levys shlit"a replies:

Dear Avreich,

Your beautiful character, along with your sensitivity, compassion and responsibility, shines through the lines of your letter. Unfortunately, in today’s world, so many people are apathetic, indifferent to other people’s pain and suffering, or eager to protect themselves from seeing that pain in order to exempt themselves of the burden of helping those in need. Often, they wax on about emunah and bitachon simply to avoid reaching out and taking initiative to do what needs to be done...

On the other hand, responsible people cause the atmosphere around them to shift and motivate others to become better people too.

As the saying goes, you don't have to be a doctor to save lives.  Often, what's needed most of all is a desire to help, a little sensitivity, and awareness of what can and must be done. Sometimes, it can even be enough just to alert others to a problem.  Someone told me a story about a child who asked to use his phone. Although he didn’t intend to eavesdrop, he overheard the child telling his mother that something had caught fire near the gas. Instead of waiting for the mother, he simply grabbed the kid, ran into the house, and extinguished the burning towel, literally saving the house and family from fire and calamity!

Not everyone notices others, and not everyone is attuned to changes that other people are enduring—like a faded smile, excessive fatigue, or other red flags. Sadly, by the time the cry of pain penetrates, they’ve missed the boat.

An avreich like you has potential to change the world! Sometimes, you may be able to do the job yourself with relative ease. And other times, by drawing people's attention to needs that must be met, you’ll find that others are very happy and eager to participate in the mitzvah. This is alluded to in the passuk, “Matzdikei harabbim kekochavim, those who bring merit to the many are like the stars”.

You asked about priorities—when your involvement is considered excessive, at the expense of your family, and therefore no longer appropriate.

The Gemara in Maseches Moed Katan (9a) relates that Rabbi Yonasan ben Asmai and Rabbi Yehudah ben Gerim learned from Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai. When they returned home, Rabbi Shimon sent his son to ask them for a brachah. When the son arrived, he heard them discussing conflicting pesukim. While one passuk states, “Palas ma'agal raglecha vechol drachecha yikonu, weigh the path of your feet and all your ways will be established”—meaning that one should examine and choose the more important mitzvah; another passuk says, “Orach chaim pen tipales, the path of life, lest you weigh it”—meaning that one should never prefer one mitzvah over another.

Rabbi Yonasan and Rabbi Yehudah resolved this dispute by stating that the first passuk refers to a mitzvah that can be done by others, while the second (which directs us not to choose between two mitzvos) refers to a mitzvah that cannot be performed by others. When a mitzvah cannot be performed by another, there is no need to deliberate and prioritize; you simply take initiative to do it.

Practically speaking, it is clear that under normal circumstances, your first priority must be your nuclear family [though parents do have a certain precedence, see Yoreh Deah Siman 251]. However, if the situation in which you are helping out your mother and siblings is classified as a mitzvah that cannot be done by others, then your help is surely justified.

I will add a caveat: People have a tendency to escape their homes in order to help outside, where they receive greater appreciation. It’s important to be very honest with yourself to ensure that this does not apply to you. [Another important lesson gleaned from this issue is how important it is to appreciate and express hakaras hatov to those who are fulfilling their responsibilities toward us, because it’s very hard to continue working endlessly without feeling appreciated.]

Proper balance is essential. Your immediate family members, meaning your wife and children, need to feel important. They need to know that they are your first priority, and they certainly cannot be made to feel that you’re placing others before them. On the other hand, maintaining a proper balance also means never allowing yourself to douse your caring, compassion or responsibility toward others.

In conclusion, the sensitivity you show towards your extended family is not merely an admirable character trait, but a model of gemilus chassadim and kibbud av va'em, which are also pillars of our holy Torah. In the zechus of your compassion and beautiful actions, I am certain that you will merit a home overflowing with brachah and nachas from children who will emulate your special ways.