The Rest of the World Thinks He’s Such A Nice Guy, But At Home…

Dear Rav Levy shlit"a,

I’m reaching out about a very sensitive point that I believe applies to many of us.  People often make so much effort and go out of their way to act kind, patient, and pleasant to everyone—outside the home.  Yet within the four walls of our own home—which is indisputably the most important place of all—we lose our tempers, forget to smile, and rarely show the patience that we show to strangers.  Is it all just a façade for the sake or honor or gain, while at home we rely on the false assumption that our family will forgive us time and again because "that’s who we are"? How can we break this habit and bring genuine calm, pleasantness and happiness into our home?

Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit"a replies: Shalom u’vracha. Your question touches upon a painful point—and a true one. The gap you describe often stems from a distorted perception which identifies external pleasantness—what you call the person’s façade—as a "necessary act," and the less-than-pleasant behavior manifested at home as the real, authentic person. The truth, of course, is the opposite.

Every good deed, even when performed with an ulterior motive, is positive, valuable, and desirable to Hashem. Chazal teach us: "A person should always occupy himself with Torah and mitzvos, even lo lishmah, because by doing them lo lishmah, he will come to do them lishmah" (Pesachim 50b).  Kindness, patience, and smiling at others in the street are important qualities that lead us to do mitzvos, and we must remember that they are also vital tools that we should harness for our family’s benefit at home.

Another widespread misconception is the notion that saying “I’m sorry,” or apologizing in any other way completely erases the injury and hurt feeling. This is remote from the truth. There is a well-known mashal about a hot-tempered youth whose father instructed him to hammer a nail into the fence every time he lost his temper, and later, after he calmed down, to pull them out of the fence. One day, when the boy finished removing the nails, his father indicated the holes that remained in the wood and expressed: "Do you see, my son? The nails are gone, but the fence will never be whole again."

The moral is clear: Negative words, cruelty and unsuitable tones leave a lasting mark that can never be entirely erased, and even genuine forgiveness cannot rectify the damage completely.

As Yidden, our avodah is to empower ourthe intellect to rule over the "beast" within us. It’s important to remember that the homes that we build, as well as the success of the chinuch that we give our children, depend greatly on our family loving us. One of the fundamental ways of earning that love is to treat every family member kindly, compassionately, with smiles and warmth. 

The more effort we invest into this realm, the more we will witness the fulfillment of the passuk, “Kamayim hapanim l’panim kein lev ha’adam l’adam” (Mishlei 27:19). By modeling kindness and positivity to our family members, we gain from the kindness and positivity that they reflect back to us.

With best wishes for hatzlachah!