How Much Attention Do Kids Need?

Q: Dear Rav Levy, shlit”a

I didn’t believe that we’d get to this point. I was sure that by the time Rosh Chodesh Iyar rolled around, the corona crisis would be behind us all. But lo and behold, the new zman is starting, and everyone—bachurim, girls and boys are still home.

The schools have each created a basic structure of learning that’s based on phone systems, but these crash often due to faulty lines and system overload. The kids go to sleep late, wake up late and fight frequently. I feel like there’s no schedule, beginning or end to the day.

As long as it was vacation time, I said nothing; but it’s already the start of the summer zman, and I feel that my kids’ chinuch is at stake.

What can I do?

Hagaon Harav Dovid Levy shlit”a responds: Since your troubles and concerns are shared by thousands of parents the world over, I will provide a general response to your question:

Since the days of Yehoshua ben Gamla in the period of Bayis Sheini, the halachah of “V’shinantam,” is no longer learned according to the pshat, which is that every father is obliged to teach his son Torah and yiras Shamayim. Rather, in every city, town and neighborhood where Yidden dwell, children gather to learn Torah from melamdim and mechanchim. The reasons for this are that orphans do not have parents to teach them, and not every father is capable or suited to relay and explain divrei Torah to his child.

In the more recent past, we’ve encountered another serious problem: The decline in parental authority, upon which we shall elaborate below.

Chinuch in contemporary times is founded on a warm, loving relationship between parent and child, which encourages the child to want to follow in his parents’ path. When there is a healthy and loving connection, the child naturally yearns to find favor in his parents’ eyes and please them, while simultaneously believing that their path is the true and correct one. In contrast, parents who seek to educate with fear and threats may train their children to act obediently as long as they are still under their parents’ authority, but forfeit their mission of educating them.

In school as at home, a child acquires knowledge, good habits and proper values, which is why schools place so much emphasis on discipline, order and schedule.

The interface between a child’s school and home is that the child acquires knowledge in school because of the desire, motivation and hierarchy of values built at home by his parents; and simultaneously, the rules enforced in school positively affect the schedule and discipline in the home. (For example, a child wakes up on time in the morning so he won’t be late to school.)

When this pattern is amended, anarchy can reign in the home, and the children are liable to, chas v’shalom, abandon the proper path.

With the rampant spread of coronavirus, parents around the world are compelled to stay home with their children and isolate themselves from others. Concurrently, they’re expected to straddle both sides of the fence by continuing to teach their kids information and uphold order and discipline, while still remaining the warm, loving, positive parents that they always are. Complicating the matter are children who suffer in school either academically or socially and regard their homes as their only havens. With their home coming to represent the place they dread most, where does it leave them?

So as you so plainly asked: What can we do?

The answer to this question is that there is a wonderful way to enforce rules and borders alongside goodwill that lacks threats, anger or fear, and everyone knows it. Perfect examples are extracurricular learning and programs like Mishmar, Masmidim, Bnos, youth group or even summer camp.

Kids attend these programs and behave appropriately while following basic rules dictated by a counselor or leader who is just several years their senior.

What’s their secret?

A kid attending extracurricular programs and camp with the knowledge that he is going to enjoy himself. He is aware that the only way that the program can function properly and effectively is when there is an element of order and discipline, and therefore he has an interest in it and is willing to follow the rules.

Another point is that one who does not attend Masmidim/Bnos/camp is not punished or even regarded negatively. The only loss is his, and it is his choice. Kids instinctively know that the less they’re forced to go somewhere, the better and more fun it is.

[This concept was utilized by Rabbi Chiyya who is credited with preventing the loss of Torah from Klal Yisrael. He would visit a city, teach every child one Chumash or Seder Mishnah and tell them that by the time he returned, he wanted each one to have taught his peers the material.]

As parents, we can follow a similar approach in our own homes, creating a structure that is voluntary, but worthwhile for our children.

For example, a tasty breakfast is served at 9 a.m. Whoever is up, dressed, and finished davening is welcome to attend. Whoever misses it can prepare his own breakfast.

At 10 a.m., a shiur is delivered by one member of the family on a rotating basis. Whoever prepares the shiur receives a prize. This can be followed by chavrusos in the family, with one kid distributing a treat every day, etc.

We can prepare some kind of game for the family, be it relay races or anything else. If relevant, we can go outside briefly, taking a different kid along each day. It’s also our responsibility to help our children keep up with the schoolwork that they’re assigned by their teachers.

The bottom line is that the schedule is not mandatory, but well worth the child’s while to follow and derive the resulting benefits. We should also account for the fact that some children may prefer to forfeit the promised rewards for the mere pleasure of sleeping late or doing whatever he/she wills. But have no fear, because he/she’ll ultimately join the others.

May Hashem send all cholim a refuah shleimah and bring an end to this dreadful mageifah. In the meanwhile, as parents, we still have the power to ensure that our children’s memories of this period are overwhelmingly positive and that they associate them with strong, loving relationships cultivated within the family.